Today I feel sad. I've lost 15 pounds and the joy of holding my child. Last night I told Nate that it seems like the reality of losing our son is hitting me even more now.
Everyone around us has continued on with life. Future plans are moving on as normal and we are being swept in with them. Nate asked me today if I wanted to help out with a project he is working on at camp. The deadline for it is the same week as my original due date. All I could think about was that I was supposed to be in labor...but my body will look the same, I won't have a baby kicking in me trying to get out...
I'm just really sad.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Our beach gettaway
Several people have been asking us how we are doing lately. We have really felt so much support and love from many of you this week. I know this would have been so much harder without all of the support. So thank you for asking us how we are doing. That has meant a lot.
We have been at the coast these past 3 days. My aunt Sharon has generously let us use her adorable beach house as a much needed getaway. The weather has been warm and sunny like a June day! Nate and I took a lot of walks down the beach and naps in the sand. We lounged around the house, spent time journaling and talking with each other and of course took breaks to go shopping and eat clam chowder. It’s been a really refreshing time for us. I really like talking with Nate. He is such a good listener and knows just the right things to say. Spending time with him has been the best part of this trip.
During our talks this week we've realized that grief looks so much different than we thought it would. I expected to be in tears for months. And honestly I felt guilty when my tears stopped after a few short days. My head had been pounding with head aches. Our eyes were so puffy that they looked like they were swollen shut. But then our grief suddenly changed to days and days full of laughter! It just seemed so unnatural to be laughing. Some of those times I know were needed for our own personal healing. It is exhausting to be in tears for so long. Our bodies craved a release. And for us laughing is a favorite outlet.
Most of our laughter came from Nate retelling stories of his own childhood. Anyone who has been fortunate enough to hear these stories knows that his childhood was full of hilarious moments! Toga parties, “Donny Varney Specials,” Marathons, special music with Cory during chapels are just a few of the stories. He later admitted to me that retelling these moments were his way of coping with reality. Those memories were joyful and safe to think about and he was craving joyful memories.
I know we are still grieving even if it is in the strange form of laughter. We crave comfort foods (chocolate!!), we stare off into space, we forget the other person is in the room sometimes, we look at children who walk by and become sad. We saw a young couple walking down the beach with their little toddler and I know we were both wondering what their lives were like. We have been drawn to activities that we wanted to do with our son. I was reading Nate children’s book the other day and holding him like I would hold a child. I just craved that same feeling of comforting a person. I wanted to fill my arms with someone.
I told him that I was looking forward to the 3am feedings. I was already in the routine of getting up early in the middle of the night. I was looking forward to seeing a little Forbes in the middle of the night who I could comfort.
Thinking of those thoughts really makes me want to have a baby again. We have talked some about having another child, but that’s just it, the next child would be ANOTHER child. We cannot replace Isaac with another baby. And just because I want to do all those motherly things I need to mourn this loss before we try to engage in a new life. It would not be fair for our second baby to feel their purpose in life was to comfort our grief. They need to know and feel like they were anticipated just as much. I do want to fully mourn for Isaac. It will be a long road.
Knitting mittens have also been a huge part of my grieving process. Knitting mittens you say? Ya, I thought that was odd too, but when we came home that second night all I could think about was how much I needed to finish knitting those mittens. I grabbed them up and went to work. In just a half of a day I was finished with a beautiful pair of green mittens. Why was that so important to me? I needed to be a part of making something that was finished that I could hold, admire, and know that it was good. It was so hard for me to know that our son was not able to get all of the chromosomes or whatever he was lacking to be a fully healthy baby boy. And there was nothing that we could have done, but with the mittens I could make them and finish them.
It was healing to complete that.
As I think back to who we were this last summer before we found out we were going to be parents, I quickly realize we are not the same people. The thought of us having a child and of us actually going through the birthing process has changed us. We have moved up to a new level as a couple. We are now parents. Even though we don’t have Isaac with us, we are still parents. We won’t have a child to give us a mothers or fathers day gift this year, but we will still give them to each other. We are after all parents to Isaac. We may have only carried him for 15 weeks, but as one of my favorite authors once said,
“A person is a person no matter how small” – Dr. Seuss.
We have been at the coast these past 3 days. My aunt Sharon has generously let us use her adorable beach house as a much needed getaway. The weather has been warm and sunny like a June day! Nate and I took a lot of walks down the beach and naps in the sand. We lounged around the house, spent time journaling and talking with each other and of course took breaks to go shopping and eat clam chowder. It’s been a really refreshing time for us. I really like talking with Nate. He is such a good listener and knows just the right things to say. Spending time with him has been the best part of this trip.
During our talks this week we've realized that grief looks so much different than we thought it would. I expected to be in tears for months. And honestly I felt guilty when my tears stopped after a few short days. My head had been pounding with head aches. Our eyes were so puffy that they looked like they were swollen shut. But then our grief suddenly changed to days and days full of laughter! It just seemed so unnatural to be laughing. Some of those times I know were needed for our own personal healing. It is exhausting to be in tears for so long. Our bodies craved a release. And for us laughing is a favorite outlet.
Most of our laughter came from Nate retelling stories of his own childhood. Anyone who has been fortunate enough to hear these stories knows that his childhood was full of hilarious moments! Toga parties, “Donny Varney Specials,” Marathons, special music with Cory during chapels are just a few of the stories. He later admitted to me that retelling these moments were his way of coping with reality. Those memories were joyful and safe to think about and he was craving joyful memories.
I know we are still grieving even if it is in the strange form of laughter. We crave comfort foods (chocolate!!), we stare off into space, we forget the other person is in the room sometimes, we look at children who walk by and become sad. We saw a young couple walking down the beach with their little toddler and I know we were both wondering what their lives were like. We have been drawn to activities that we wanted to do with our son. I was reading Nate children’s book the other day and holding him like I would hold a child. I just craved that same feeling of comforting a person. I wanted to fill my arms with someone.
I told him that I was looking forward to the 3am feedings. I was already in the routine of getting up early in the middle of the night. I was looking forward to seeing a little Forbes in the middle of the night who I could comfort.
Thinking of those thoughts really makes me want to have a baby again. We have talked some about having another child, but that’s just it, the next child would be ANOTHER child. We cannot replace Isaac with another baby. And just because I want to do all those motherly things I need to mourn this loss before we try to engage in a new life. It would not be fair for our second baby to feel their purpose in life was to comfort our grief. They need to know and feel like they were anticipated just as much. I do want to fully mourn for Isaac. It will be a long road.
Knitting mittens have also been a huge part of my grieving process. Knitting mittens you say? Ya, I thought that was odd too, but when we came home that second night all I could think about was how much I needed to finish knitting those mittens. I grabbed them up and went to work. In just a half of a day I was finished with a beautiful pair of green mittens. Why was that so important to me? I needed to be a part of making something that was finished that I could hold, admire, and know that it was good. It was so hard for me to know that our son was not able to get all of the chromosomes or whatever he was lacking to be a fully healthy baby boy. And there was nothing that we could have done, but with the mittens I could make them and finish them.
It was healing to complete that.
As I think back to who we were this last summer before we found out we were going to be parents, I quickly realize we are not the same people. The thought of us having a child and of us actually going through the birthing process has changed us. We have moved up to a new level as a couple. We are now parents. Even though we don’t have Isaac with us, we are still parents. We won’t have a child to give us a mothers or fathers day gift this year, but we will still give them to each other. We are after all parents to Isaac. We may have only carried him for 15 weeks, but as one of my favorite authors once said,
“A person is a person no matter how small” – Dr. Seuss.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Our son
Even as I write this tears continue to flow. I didn't think I had any left. Nate and I have experienced every kind of emotion.
I'm not very good with words, but I will try to retail the past 48 hours.
Walking through the double doors of the hospital that night I felt deeply saddened knowing that when we came back through the next day a very special part of us would be gone. And I would no longer be pregnant.
We were met by a very compassionate nurse in the maternity ward. Heidi is her name. She was our nurse at first, but soon we realized she was an angel. I am so grateful that she was working that night.
The doctor and nursing staff met us with their sympathies. They ended up spending 3 hours talking with us before we began the labor. Their thoughtfulness and patience was beyond comforting. Heidi talked me through every detail as it was happening so as to calm my nerves. I kept telling her and the other staff that I just wasn't expecting to be here on my monday night. We were planning on doing a cider press with our neighbors. And this was just all so much to handle so quickly. I think Heidi understood and was especially sensitive to both Nate and I and our needs. I so appreciated that she took care of Nate too. He was going through just as much as I was only I think it was harder for him because he didn't have anything to do but sit, pace, help me, hold my hand and cry.
I was mostly nervous about having an epidural shot. Heidi sat next to me and let me squeeze her hand until it lost all color. She spoke kind words and coached me through.
Once we were finished, I felt a bit of stress released. She gave me the medication to begin labor. Now the waiting began. Nate and I were so tired by this point. Our eyes were swollen from crying. Our heads pounded. It was 3am. Nate tried to fall asleep on his window seat bed 10 feet from my bed. We didn't like being so far away from each other, but our tiredness kicked in even stronger. I quickly fell asleep in my bed.
Only 3 hours later I awoke to Heidi coming in to check up on me. She said everything was looking good and that we should continue to rest. As she was leaving I called her over again. I felt myself going into labor. She got the doctor right away and sure enough our son was born. Nate was right at my bedside. We looked at each other not quite sure if we should be happy that it happened so soon or if we should cry knowing it was over.
We weren't able to see him right away because the doctor was concerned about the blood I was losing.
That's when everything happened so fast. In only a few minutes there were 6 nurses running around grabbing instruments and getting ready to move me to the operating room. I felt like I was going to pass out. Heidi was there the whole time coaching me through the process.
Poor Nate couldn't come in the room with me. He had to wait by himself in our birthing suite. He later told me it was the most agonizing hour. He was so worried. Both the chaplin and Heidi came in to check on him to make sure he was doing well. I'm so glad they did.
Meanwhile in the operating room I was paralyzed from the waist down with medication. The last thing I remembered was the doctor giving orders to a nurse. And then I was out.
What felt like 10 min. later (really an hour later) they were wheeling me back into our room. Everything had gone really well they said. I was glad to be back with Nate. He looked so exhausted.
The doctor walked over to our bed with our little son. We were nervous to see him, but also very curious. I will try my best to describe him, but really how do you describe a human being with just words. His face looked so peaceful and it seemed like he was resting. His eyes had the same distinct look as Nate's eyes. They were closed, but you could see they were big eyes just like Nate's. That's when it hit me that this was not just a person, he is a part of us with characteristics like ours. Nate said his nose looked like mine, a small button nose. And I just couldn't take my eyes off his ears. They were the tiniest little ears with all the detail of a full grown ear. Even as such a young person the detail was outstanding. His little arms and legs were beautiful and of course he had a little pot belly. =)
I still try to remember him at night when I close my eyes. I don't want to forget the details. We even drew a picture of him when we got home so as to help remember what we saw. It doesn't do him justice, but it was helpful.
I asked Nate what he wanted to name him and without hesitating he said, "I want to name him Isaac." The meaning behind the name struck me with such intensity that my eyes whelled up with big tears and I could hardly get the words out, "that is a perfect name. We will name him Isaac."
Isaac Andrew Forbes born 6:49am October 16th - stillbirth.
The hospital did a wonderful job of honoring our baby as a human being and as our son. They offered a burial site for him not too far from the St. Vincent Hospital in Beaverton. They also sent us home with a beautiful box full of treasures to help us remember him by. His ultrasound picture, his birth bracelet, a tiny outfit, a baby blanket and a nice card signed by our wonderful nursing staff. It's a treasure. I'm so grateful for how well things went considering the circumstances. The kindness shown by strangers was overwhelming and so very much needed.
Coming home was also very good. We were finally able to let our guard down and mourn the way we wanted to. We were both so worried in the hospital about the physical aspects of everything that we just had to wait until we got home to cry like we wanted to.
I am still in the recovery stage. My body aches and feels sore. It will take a few weeks before my body is back to it's original state.
We were and are blessed by all the great emails and messages, flowers, chocolates and cards sent by so many of you. Your prayers and support were felt in the hospital and even now. We are so grateful for many things.
Thank you for caring. We really don't ask that you understand because we don't either. And that is just fine. We know it will be a long process and something that we will never "get over." We lost our son and that will always be a part of us.
I imagine that in Heaven Jesus greeted Isaac with His arms wide open kneeling down eager to scoop him up and hold him in His arms for a long long time.
I know someday I will do the same thing.
I'm not very good with words, but I will try to retail the past 48 hours.
Walking through the double doors of the hospital that night I felt deeply saddened knowing that when we came back through the next day a very special part of us would be gone. And I would no longer be pregnant.
We were met by a very compassionate nurse in the maternity ward. Heidi is her name. She was our nurse at first, but soon we realized she was an angel. I am so grateful that she was working that night.
The doctor and nursing staff met us with their sympathies. They ended up spending 3 hours talking with us before we began the labor. Their thoughtfulness and patience was beyond comforting. Heidi talked me through every detail as it was happening so as to calm my nerves. I kept telling her and the other staff that I just wasn't expecting to be here on my monday night. We were planning on doing a cider press with our neighbors. And this was just all so much to handle so quickly. I think Heidi understood and was especially sensitive to both Nate and I and our needs. I so appreciated that she took care of Nate too. He was going through just as much as I was only I think it was harder for him because he didn't have anything to do but sit, pace, help me, hold my hand and cry.
I was mostly nervous about having an epidural shot. Heidi sat next to me and let me squeeze her hand until it lost all color. She spoke kind words and coached me through.
Once we were finished, I felt a bit of stress released. She gave me the medication to begin labor. Now the waiting began. Nate and I were so tired by this point. Our eyes were swollen from crying. Our heads pounded. It was 3am. Nate tried to fall asleep on his window seat bed 10 feet from my bed. We didn't like being so far away from each other, but our tiredness kicked in even stronger. I quickly fell asleep in my bed.
Only 3 hours later I awoke to Heidi coming in to check up on me. She said everything was looking good and that we should continue to rest. As she was leaving I called her over again. I felt myself going into labor. She got the doctor right away and sure enough our son was born. Nate was right at my bedside. We looked at each other not quite sure if we should be happy that it happened so soon or if we should cry knowing it was over.
We weren't able to see him right away because the doctor was concerned about the blood I was losing.
That's when everything happened so fast. In only a few minutes there were 6 nurses running around grabbing instruments and getting ready to move me to the operating room. I felt like I was going to pass out. Heidi was there the whole time coaching me through the process.
Poor Nate couldn't come in the room with me. He had to wait by himself in our birthing suite. He later told me it was the most agonizing hour. He was so worried. Both the chaplin and Heidi came in to check on him to make sure he was doing well. I'm so glad they did.
Meanwhile in the operating room I was paralyzed from the waist down with medication. The last thing I remembered was the doctor giving orders to a nurse. And then I was out.
What felt like 10 min. later (really an hour later) they were wheeling me back into our room. Everything had gone really well they said. I was glad to be back with Nate. He looked so exhausted.
The doctor walked over to our bed with our little son. We were nervous to see him, but also very curious. I will try my best to describe him, but really how do you describe a human being with just words. His face looked so peaceful and it seemed like he was resting. His eyes had the same distinct look as Nate's eyes. They were closed, but you could see they were big eyes just like Nate's. That's when it hit me that this was not just a person, he is a part of us with characteristics like ours. Nate said his nose looked like mine, a small button nose. And I just couldn't take my eyes off his ears. They were the tiniest little ears with all the detail of a full grown ear. Even as such a young person the detail was outstanding. His little arms and legs were beautiful and of course he had a little pot belly. =)
I still try to remember him at night when I close my eyes. I don't want to forget the details. We even drew a picture of him when we got home so as to help remember what we saw. It doesn't do him justice, but it was helpful.
I asked Nate what he wanted to name him and without hesitating he said, "I want to name him Isaac." The meaning behind the name struck me with such intensity that my eyes whelled up with big tears and I could hardly get the words out, "that is a perfect name. We will name him Isaac."
Isaac Andrew Forbes born 6:49am October 16th - stillbirth.
The hospital did a wonderful job of honoring our baby as a human being and as our son. They offered a burial site for him not too far from the St. Vincent Hospital in Beaverton. They also sent us home with a beautiful box full of treasures to help us remember him by. His ultrasound picture, his birth bracelet, a tiny outfit, a baby blanket and a nice card signed by our wonderful nursing staff. It's a treasure. I'm so grateful for how well things went considering the circumstances. The kindness shown by strangers was overwhelming and so very much needed.
Coming home was also very good. We were finally able to let our guard down and mourn the way we wanted to. We were both so worried in the hospital about the physical aspects of everything that we just had to wait until we got home to cry like we wanted to.
I am still in the recovery stage. My body aches and feels sore. It will take a few weeks before my body is back to it's original state.
We were and are blessed by all the great emails and messages, flowers, chocolates and cards sent by so many of you. Your prayers and support were felt in the hospital and even now. We are so grateful for many things.
Thank you for caring. We really don't ask that you understand because we don't either. And that is just fine. We know it will be a long process and something that we will never "get over." We lost our son and that will always be a part of us.
I imagine that in Heaven Jesus greeted Isaac with His arms wide open kneeling down eager to scoop him up and hold him in His arms for a long long time.
I know someday I will do the same thing.
Monday, October 15, 2007
pray for us
We could really use your prayers tonight. Nate and I had our appointment today to listen to the heart beat and they couldn't find one. They used an ultrasound and still couldn't find one. We had a miscarriage. We're not sure when it happened and they reassured us that it wasn't anythign we could have prevented. There were complications in the beginning. That doesn't make it easier to accept.
Because I'm so far along they have to enduce labor. I'm really scared. We're going in tonight at midnight to start that process. It could take as long as tomorrow afternoon. We'll be able to hold our baby and grieve together. Please be in prayer for us as we are both just so sad. We cried the whole way home and are still in tears.
I'm so glad Nate's job is flexible to let him take this time off. I think it will be a slow process of grieving, but necessary too.
It's still all so surreal.
We love you all so much.
Lissa and Nate
Because I'm so far along they have to enduce labor. I'm really scared. We're going in tonight at midnight to start that process. It could take as long as tomorrow afternoon. We'll be able to hold our baby and grieve together. Please be in prayer for us as we are both just so sad. We cried the whole way home and are still in tears.
I'm so glad Nate's job is flexible to let him take this time off. I think it will be a slow process of grieving, but necessary too.
It's still all so surreal.
We love you all so much.
Lissa and Nate
Thursday, October 11, 2007
EAT MORE!!!
Yesterday I had my first appointment with the dietitian. I was so excited to go in and show them how much I had gained. After all I have a belly to prove it!!
As I jumped up on the scale my smile turned to shock! I lost more weight! I'm at a total of 12 lbs down. How can that be? I've been eating solid food and it feels like the refrigerator has a revolving door! But I think it's just the tail end of the sickness hanging on.
Good news is that my dietitian wasn't worried at all. She seemed to think that this was a normal beginning for most pregnancies and that I would be putting weight on again soon. She did give me some great food advice for how to add more calories...I never thought I would ever have to have a conversation with someone about HOW to gain weight. That certainly does not run in our family genes. But I'm excited to eat more cheese, peanut butter and granola!!!
We'll show her some good old fashioned Stuewe weight gain!
As I jumped up on the scale my smile turned to shock! I lost more weight! I'm at a total of 12 lbs down. How can that be? I've been eating solid food and it feels like the refrigerator has a revolving door! But I think it's just the tail end of the sickness hanging on.
Good news is that my dietitian wasn't worried at all. She seemed to think that this was a normal beginning for most pregnancies and that I would be putting weight on again soon. She did give me some great food advice for how to add more calories...I never thought I would ever have to have a conversation with someone about HOW to gain weight. That certainly does not run in our family genes. But I'm excited to eat more cheese, peanut butter and granola!!!
We'll show her some good old fashioned Stuewe weight gain!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Canoeing...
Nate came home for lunch today. After we ate lunch he took me out to Tilikum for the rest of the afternoon. We went on a long canoe ride around the lake and saw all sorts of wildlife! There were so many newts and june bugs...even though it's not june....swimming around. I think we even spotted a water snake from a distance...good thing it was from a distance!!
The smells out here are fantastic! If this blog had a scratch and sniff option I would try to attach a smell of Tilikum. It's just that good!
We're going to come back to camp later on tonight to pick a few boxes of apples. The camp has about 10 apple trees and several varieties! Bruce, our housemate, owns an old fashioned cider press. We're going to have a cider press party later on with all the apples we pick tonight. Just another fun fall thing to do!
The smells out here are fantastic! If this blog had a scratch and sniff option I would try to attach a smell of Tilikum. It's just that good!
We're going to come back to camp later on tonight to pick a few boxes of apples. The camp has about 10 apple trees and several varieties! Bruce, our housemate, owns an old fashioned cider press. We're going to have a cider press party later on with all the apples we pick tonight. Just another fun fall thing to do!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
the art of knitting...
Every wednesday night I have been meeting with some ladies from Tilikum for an "arts and crafts night." Mostly we're all knitting, but it's really open for all kinds of artwork. The project I'm working on is a felted purse. I guess it's a good project to start on when you're first learning to knit because the felting part washes out a multitude of mistakes!!! For those of you who are unfamiliar with "felting" it's when you knit with 100% wool and then wash your project in the washer. The wool shrinks kind of like those wool sweaters you've washed on accident...only this is on purpose. It gives your project a nice look of being one piece of fabric all blended together.
Mostly it's been nice to go to these nighs for the fellowship. I'm enjoying the family we have out at Tilikum.
So when I'm done with this purse I'll try to post a pic on here....
Mostly it's been nice to go to these nighs for the fellowship. I'm enjoying the family we have out at Tilikum.
So when I'm done with this purse I'll try to post a pic on here....
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
What do you like about the fall?
I love to hear what others enjoy about the fall. For myself it is hands down the corn maizes!! I just googled corn maizes in Oregon and we have 11 in our area!!! That will take all month to conquer! But I think we will just go to the ever popular Suavie Island Maize in NW Portland. Here's a link to find it: thepumpkinpatch.com
click on the maize and you will be a-maized!! =0)
click on the maize and you will be a-maized!! =0)
Monday, October 01, 2007
can't hide it anymore..
It's true, I can't hide my belly anymore! Nate and I went shopping on friday to get my first maternity outfit!! It felt so good to fit into a pair of pants comfortably! No more pajama pants for me! I've got the little stretchy ones now.
Another great thing that happened, I just hit the 12 week mark on sunday! We're now into the 2nd trimester! On saturday I was signed up to go to an all day woman's conference at the university. I wasn't sure if I would make it the full day since I haven't done anything like that in 2 months. But I did make it and not only for the conference for the WHOLE DAY!! We ended up going to a concert at the coffee shop later that night! I felt like I was back to myself again.
What a blessing! I'm hoping that will continue for a long long time now. =0)
So that's the good news.
Another great thing that happened, I just hit the 12 week mark on sunday! We're now into the 2nd trimester! On saturday I was signed up to go to an all day woman's conference at the university. I wasn't sure if I would make it the full day since I haven't done anything like that in 2 months. But I did make it and not only for the conference for the WHOLE DAY!! We ended up going to a concert at the coffee shop later that night! I felt like I was back to myself again.
What a blessing! I'm hoping that will continue for a long long time now. =0)
So that's the good news.
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